abridged and adapted somewhat freely for a modern audience by D W Solomons
Download Pathelin's mad scene
Stream Pathelin's mad sceneThe story so far: Pathelin has obtained a large number of jeans from the Draper' market stall, promising to pay him when he comes round to his house for dinner. Pathelin then plans with his wife Guillemette how to get out of paying for the goods: he will pretend to be raving and at death's door with brain fever and she will weep distractedly and persuade the Draper that it could not have been Pathelin who took the goods because he has been ill in bed for a long time.
The Draper
I don't know what you're laughing or crying about. To cut it short I must be paid.
Guillemette
What for? Are you daft? Are you ranting again?
The Draper
I'm not used to being talked to like that, when I'm selling my cloth. You can't pull the woolly over my eyes.
Pathelin
Now there is the Queen of the geeeetars.Quick fetch her here. I know very well she has mothered 24 ukuleles by the Abbot of Wintertown. I must stand godfather for them.
Guillemette
Oh heavens, think about God the Father my dear, not godfathering guitars.
The Draper
Ha, what scam artists.Come on naah, pay me.
Guillemette
Aren't you satisfied with just making one mistake?
Pathelin
Mère de dieu, ma foi, il faut fuir vers l'outremer. Ventre de Dieu cet homme est horrible et il ne m'a rien donné, mçme s'il me parle d'argent. Capeesh, capeesh cousin?
Guillemette
He had an uncle in Paris, that must be why he's jabbering in French.
The Draper
Come on naah, he got away with six of my jeans.
Pathelin
Make it so, sweet lady, make it so.What does that strange being want? Get away, you devil. Back to your planet! Quick! I want to beam down and join that monastery. Should a priest put phasers on stun when he should be singing the mass?
Guillemette
Alas, soon it will be time for the last sacrament.
The Draper
But where does this foolish Picard dialect come from?
Guillemette
His mother was a Star Trek fan.That must be why he's "making it so".
Pathelin
Woher kommst Du denn, Du Fastnachtsgesicht?
Ochen plokhoi Tovaritsch ;
ana laa uhibbuka, pero no te lo dico in inglese ;
Henri, Heinrich, mein Freund ;
laa fi jadiid tahta sshams ;
Nos da, nos da, saayonara;
Saayaarah?! Niet! Saayonarah!
Ana uhibbu assaayaarah!
Plokhoi, plohkoi all fall down!
Trinken Trinken ! Bitt' schön,
und ein sehr kleines bissel Wasser für mich !
Bring den Meister Thomas
der mir die Beichte abnehme!
A la confession Sire Thomas!
The Draper
What is this? He will keep on all day talking foreign. If only he'd give me my money, I'd go.
Pathelin
zilop, zilop Droitwich Droitwich über alles zilop zilop
allons éléphants de la poitrine
zilop zilop
God shave our gracioush queen . . . long lithe and oh so clean,
God shave the . . .
Ach nein, das war nicht richtig! Oh say can you see, by the candle at night?
Niet, neanche questo!
Guillemette
Oh, how can you be so stubborn?. . . (whispers and giggles) his family must come from further afield than I thought!
Pathelin
Och aye, Braveheart! Aye me scrotum is all furry. God's wounds, who's attacking me backside?
Good grief mon, I've got the foot and mouth ain't ah? . . . do I have to go back to Glasgie to get it cured?
The Draper
He's losing his wits, how does he come to be trying to speak a bit Caledonian like, or was it Hibernian?
Guillemette
His schoolmaster was from up there, so in his last hour the memory of it comes back to him. (pretends to cry) He is giving up the ghost.
The Draper
Tarnation, this is the worst raving I have ever run foul of. I'd never have thought he was at the market today.
Guillemette
But that is what you thought.
The Draper
Yes, damned if I didn't. But I see that's not what happened at all. May God forgive me.
Guillemette
Heaven bless you and his poor mournful wife.
[Alone]
The Draper
By all the saints I'm flummoxed worse than ever. The devil himself must've taken my goods to tempt me. May he leave me in peace and since that's how it is, I give them in God's name to whoever took it.
Guillemette
We fooled him good and proper and what about my acting eh?!
Pathelin
Wicked! Girl, you're an angel.We've got enough jeans to fill our wardrobe!
Guillemette
Wicked, gooood!
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